Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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