Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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