I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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