I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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