She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
