just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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