She said her name was "party"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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