Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
