Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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