9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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