her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
