I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
