I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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