just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
