Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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