omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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