Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
