Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.