When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
