saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
