can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
