Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
