And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
