jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
