I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
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I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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