Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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