Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im holly from the hills drunk
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
