Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
