If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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