I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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