I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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