Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
