she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
