i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
