I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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