I could make wine with my vomit
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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