Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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