So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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