i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
why is half of my head shaved?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
