I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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