You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
