i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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