I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
