I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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