based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
