he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
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I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Terrible idea I love it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder