She is in my trunk
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.