I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
