I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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