We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
