if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
