so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Drunk walkin through police station. America
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
