this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
