I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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