Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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