I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
