You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
