a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
