uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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