I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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